I feel so lost sometimes. Like I'm stumbling around in the dark, looking for the light switch. Stubbing my toe and bumping my knee on shit in the way. Sometimes it's like, whatever. Toe hurts, said a few curse words, found the switch, mostly all good. No real harm, no foul... except the "toe or knee" are people I might have hurt, or said something negative to myself... I should have known that chair was there.
Other times it's paralyzing. The compounded experiences of feeling lost overwhelm the thoughts, creating internal chaos. Not just lost in the dark, asking which direction, but now there's a hurricane of suspicion, insecurity, doubt, fear, scarcity, etc. Don't trust others, don't trust myself. It gets exhausting, then turns in to apathy. Safer to not care so much.
In these scenarios, and any in between, I've run the gamut of pride. Either fully relying on my own understanding, my own wants. Stubbornly finding a way, however I see fit, not thinking too much of others. Or the false humility and self denial. I messed up too many times, I do too much, say too much. I'm not enough this or that, so maybe I shouldn't.
I do or I don't deserve. What do I deserve? I need a Teacher. In one dream, amongst details of distress, a voice rang out, "It's not between the student and the problem, it's between the student and the Teacher!" I need to be at peace with stumbling over the Cornerstone.
I don't believe it's a matter of simply being okay with making mistakes, that's just a part of life after all. No one will walk it out perfectly, there's too much open for interpretation in this world. Not to mention the piling on of heavier burdens of dramatic life experiences that cut even deeper. But what will your takeaways be? How will you view the situation and others? How will you respond to the marks left on your soul? Do we just lick our wounds while becoming hand shy and put off?
True Peace. This is what I'm currently trying to learn and so far, I'm learning it's not for the faint of heart. It'll test your mettle going after true peace. Everything and anything you value, externally and internally, laid out for questioning. How tight would your grip get? Where does your trust lie? It's an everyday battle. How do you let go of... everything, and look beyond yourself? Your whole life?! Freedom!
We're told He didn't come to bring peace the way the world sees peace. He came to set the world on fire. To cut away and separate, with the sharpest of swords. Not to shame but to reveal. True intentions. I'm trying to understand the fire, and the sword. What trips us up on this walk, is each person's question with God, and it's the best place to go with it. We're never really lost. He soothes and binds from both the fire and the sword. Can we RIP while still living, trusting that He knows our wants and needs?
Even as I write this, I don't feel what we would say is peace or rest. In fact very restless today. Claustrophobic even, there's no safe place to run to, nowhere to hide, no comforts in this world to sooth. No "happy" thoughts. Certainly we're not meant to live in misery. Joy would not be a fruit of the spirit or sadness one of the 8 deadly vices if that were the case. (future blogs :D) But I am talking about living surrendered, and that can be rough at times, when learning how. Nothing left to lose, but our soul's peace and rest with it's Creator. This is the front and rear guard. This is the foundation.