Lately I've begun to feel the weightiness of words. So much so, that there's been more than a few times, over analyzing even the smallest comment or joke. I know that latter bit is not exactly healthy.
But I do wonder the significance of the timing, for it to feel so heavy. Maybe just maturing? I don't know. I've had my times of shooting off at the mouth, with a zinger that stings, or a comment that makes me sound more hilarious or intelligent than I am. In an attempt to impress. Emotionally charged, with very little thought in the moment. Some of them I've justified, a lot I've regretted.
That wild swinging pendulum though. Trying to overcorrect and have me worried about the impact of every little thing I say. Have me not speaking up in a moment that actually calls for it. And that fear cannot stand. There certainly is power in our words and what we speak, but instead of the two extremes between not speaking at all, or diarrhea of the mouth, with no care at all... maybe we should be asking what's trying to speak or trying to keep us from speaking, and check the quality of our filter. Who's talking?
I've never been good with words. Something tried to snag me early on in life. Childhood trauma, generational curses, CPTSD; Whatever title you want to put on it. It got me so wrapped up in self, and set about to make a prisoner of me, in my own mind. I tried to drink it away... that didn't work.
For a few years now, I've begun looking at the languages. Not only across time and cultures, but even within the same country, even within the same household, how the context and perception of a word can take on different meanings. There can be so much frustrating ambiguity between two souls, when one isn't sure of the intention behind the words of another. And to speak plainly seems so scary, or too risky. Or painful. Hiding behind ambiguity and uncertainty.
I think about my girls. How do I guide them? I want them to be bold, but I want them to know how to listen first. Take in the aura, take in their surroundings. Then strategically speak with precision and care. Not just emotional outbursts. It gets us all, and maybe there's even times that call for it. But how fast can we bounce back and reflect? Let that be a one-off instead of standard operating procedure?
I'm still studying. A forever student, that hopefully reflects what she learns along the way.