How do you start a blog like this?
The only way I know to start, is to share pieces of my own story, and see who joins in.
I was born into church, to two knuckleheaded 19 year old's. My dad's mother was very much involved, along with aunts and uncles on my dad's side. My grandma even had a Friday night bible study. A very strict church, the one's where the women don't cut their hair and wear long dresses. My mom even sewed all of my dresses. I don't have much memory, but around 6 years old, several of my family members began leaving the church, including my dad, and eventually my mom. As a kid you just go along for the ride, but I would still find myself saying prayers and believing in something I didn't understand.
Fast forward even more, and a lot of damage done because of my parents' actions and choices. Abuse and neglect, and where is this God?! I would still find myself clinging to the idea of it all, but had no one to teach me anything. I always seemed to have a friend, through elementary school and even high school, who also was a believer but was just as wayward as I was, in understanding. I would have dreams I didn't know what to do with. Fears I didn't know who to confide in about. Sleep paralysis on multiple occasions. But I would still find myself reaching for a bible, trusting a God I was afraid of. He knows me, but I don't know Him! I had a lot of wreckage to clean up and I didn't know how. I joined the military at 20, with the idea of running away from home. Traveling the world and having adventures and love affairs! Flying by the seat of my pants, launching myself out of my comfort zones and making one fear based decision after another. Never consulting God.
But throughout my walk, I would find myself still asking questions. Questions about interpretation, questions about canonical and non canonical writings. Judaism as the foundation of Christianity. I wanted to understand. I went through a long period of time, where I was afraid to fall asleep, because I was afraid of dreaming. I had so many, and they were intense at times. The journey into looking for the character of God was long and rough. I got myself back in to going to church on some semi regular basis but I still felt like it was half living. I was doing my own thing, and just told myself, "God will catch me!"
It became a struggle between the Spirit of the law versus the letter of the law, and that is where I spent a lot of my time. Looking at religion and how other believers were acting. I even fell into a lot of it. But I couldn't help but feel that much of it was going right back into bondage thinking, it didn't feel much more free than in the days of Levitical law. Then I heard something about a "new age" Christian. I understood the appeal, because some of that made sense to me as much as some of what I was learning in church. It felt disconnected to me somehow. Learning two halves of a whole truth. We believe in a supernatural God, and a resurrected supernatural Savior. We say things like God is Spirit, and lean not on your own understanding, walk by faith not by sight. But going to church on Sunday ruled by tasks, and polite smiles through a group study that never seemed to get very deep (although I still found beautiful people, and beautiful moments going to a service or group), I hardly ever felt like I fully fit. I began to be very fascinated with how the mind and body worked. These awesome instruments we were given. As I looked into what "new age" was, it was funny, it didn't seem new at all to me. Something very old. Maybe a new name. I didn't want to be afraid of the mystical aspect of my God, but I also didn't want to go about it, without Him. Listening to any rebellious spirits. I didn't want to circumvent Holy Spirit like we can do.
In 2017 I started asking about the character of Yeshua. But it was still a rocky road to lay my self down and untangle the knots of my past. In 2019 I started asking for specific guidance from God. In 2020 I started getting visions and dreams that I wanted to finally start asking about. On the outside though, I was falling apart. After my dad died at the end of 2017, I began a downward spiral of gaining weight and drinking excessively, without any real awareness or care. I lost my girls in a custody battle. It felt like my life was falling apart.
I did some cross country traveling, and in 2020 I got two visions of note. One that I had to tuck away and it didn't manifest until the end of 2023, when I found myself right back in the place I had originally had it, on the East coast. And the other, a dream, in which I felt God was going to take everything from me. I was already living fairly small, doing the camper lifestyle, but He said I was going to go smaller. I made the bold statement, something to the effect of, "Okay God, well, I'm already living pretty small but, it's all yours anyways, so, you give and you take away. Do what you need." At the end of 2020 I was in a bad weather related accident in Kansas, on my way back to the West Coast, to be closer to family. I lost my truck, my camper, and almost all of my belongings in it. But me, my mother, and my dog survived. When we made it to my sister's in Las Vegas, and that night laying on her couch, all I could do was laugh/cry. Okay God, now what?
It was at this point I wanted to tune in to His leading and search for His voice even more. This damaging accident was the beginning of me turning my life back around, and being led on a different adventure. Funny enough, I found myself heading back towards the East, although I thought my landing space would be CO. There would be a couple of moments where, right at the last minute, God made a way. I met some great people, that I will always consider family, But God dried up that brook after a couple of years. In this time I started writing down my dreams, as some started manifesting. A door to squeeze through opened up for me to move, and that's when, although not all, and not always completely, a lot more visions felt like they were coming to pass.
I didn't know how to handle it, I've never been here before. We don't talk about these things in church. I didn't have anyone to go to. I began idolizing dreaming and felt myself do the "old thing" of trying to force things coming to pass in my own strength and understanding. I didn't know when something was for me, or something was for me to share with someone else. In these last couple of years, I've had to let every bit of fruit be tested. I've been shown that my faith going deeper is about to get more costly. But I told God, I want to go off-roading now!
I don't know what I'm meant to be. I'm a dreamer. My sister said wounded healer. I'm not sure. But here we are. I've found a few other believers lately, that I've been listening to. They talk about a lot of the things I feel I've been asking my whole life. They're asking the same questions.
I never thought I would be a blog person, or put myself out there in anyway like this, so I have no real idea what to expect. But I'm here to share, to listen, to pray. I'm picking up my mat and walking, and seeing where He leads.