I've spent a lot of years, being a garbage dump of a woman. I took all the pain and abuse and neglect of my younger years, and along with societal "norms" I unwittingly formed a persona and an image of what I should have. Where I should be, what it all should look like. I was justified, because I deserved happiness, but was building from brokenness and blindness.
It was an ugly, distorted, diluted, delusional version of what I can be. What it should be. I stepped into narcissism. Mostly thinking about what I want and need, and how I turn out. I'm still struggling and learning to lay down self, but it wore me out clinging to rigid ideas. There's no freedom in that. Imprisonment under the disguise of freedom. Then we inadvertently imprison others. If they don't look like how we pictured... if they screw up the fantasy too much.
It started with a crush. That's innocent enough yeah? We can all relate. But somewhere in that, it turned into something I would obsess about. An "idea" I couldn't see around. All the manipulating and planning, to get what I wanted, only to have it be something that wasn't for me. And I set a bad path for myself. I carried this mindset into every next thing. Now, I learned lessons along the way. I don't think I could write about it as freely as I am now, without the awareness. But it still stings. There were still so many bad plays on my part. Selfishness. People I hurt, and have been hurt by. But I'm making the choice now, to let the stumbling turn into running towards rest, peace and healing. For myself, and it's a fire I hope catches anyone in my path. Waking up a little more, with every lesson of awareness and humility. That plank in my eye is blinding and it's beginning to piss me off.
The Ezer. The helper. To support. To rescue. To save. To be strong. This is the word used for our God, as the helper. In times of danger or on the battlefield... this is also the word used for woman. The battle buddy. I have not been a good battle buddy in my past. With that being said, I also had not let God be my ezer. Instead of resting and trusting, I was forcing and bulldozing. Maybe I wouldn't have stepped into so many things? But I don't need to worry about that. He is the Master Weaver. He knows right where I'm at. He knows right where you're at.